I thought to myself in growing horror….. I had become the very thing that I despised. How could this have happened? How did I suddenly become this person? What was I thinking or looking at?
You’re probably wondering what I am talking about. Let me explain. Le boo was reacting to my latest advisory statements. Here I was, all up in my corner feeling righteous, holy, sanctified, justified, persecuted and all that good stuff. Wondering what I did wrong, after all he didn’t explain and yada yada, bla bla.
He then said, “I need my girlfriend, not my mom”. My whole universe tilted and stopped rotating on its axis. It ground to a halt. A gong sounded in my ears and resonated through my brain. Chai!!! See insult. But a small niggling part of me said, ‘you know he’s right, right?’. Boo said, “I need my babe, not my mother”. Chineke, that sounded even worse.
Suddenly, things started to make sense. Lines began to fall into place. My silence gave him the chance to warm up to his explanation and analysis. I began to understand his silences and weird looks at me whenever I said some things, or wanted him to know I felt he had made a mistake. It seemed coincidental that i had muttered to myself, earlier in the day that I felt my words did not to build him up or help him be better. I had uttered a quick prayer for help to watch my words to him.
I realized then that, I didn’t know how to ‘babe’ lol. :D. I know how to ‘mum’ and I honestly suspect that I don’t do that very well sef. I can be harsh, focus on the aspects that I want to be changed and ignore the aspects well done. Gad, I felt so mortified and ashamed that though I intended to help, I was doing more damage than good, both to Le boo and lil angel. I was allowing my approach destroy, rather than build up. At that point, I just wished my lips could be sewn together till I had learned to speak words that edify and build up. Unfortunately, Bae would not let me be, (he probably thinks that when I’m quiet, something’s wrong with the world) lol.
Remember the Bible says “Let he who thinks he stands, take heed lest he falls” – 1 Cor 10:12. In all this time, I honestly thought I was in the right. I believed completely that I needed to always, emphasis on always, point out the wrong, explain and reexplain and make sure my opinion and point of view was heard. SMH, I was just setting myself and everyone else up for a world of pain. I however have had the lesson drummed in today. Though I can talk, and I notice things, I actually do not need to say anything. Should I choose to talk, I can also choose to make my words edifying, encouraging and not destructive. In fact, the tone of voice goes a loooong way (if you know what I mean ;)). I also am not perfect and I can choose to extend the same or even higher level of grace that I would appreciate to others, especially my loved ones.
I have had to go back to the author and perfecter of love, patience, forgiveness and supreme commander of the alien species, Baba God. To ask for forgiveness and grace to be a better me. To bridle my tongue and where I can’t say anything good, to just zip it. I will gist you as my walk progresses. Catch you later.